My Past Loves - January 2006

From Sports Guy's World for ESPN - January 20, 2006

PAGE 2: MY READERS MY PICKS

by Bill Simmons

The plan for today: A whopping mailbag to make up for the crummy, destined-to-lose NFL playoff picks at the end of the column. In the mean time, as always, these are actual e-mails from actual readers.

Here's one.....

Question: I just saw a picture of Jennifer Love-Hewitt (or does she now go by Jennifer Hewitt? whatever) at the recent Television Critics Association press tour in her obligatory tight, revealing, cleavage-overflowing top. Is there anyone else in Hollywood (or elsewhere, for that matter) who has teased the male population over a longer period of time than her?

-- Carl, Houston

Sports Guy: See? Case in point -- Jennifer Love Hewitt. If she went topless in "Can't Hardly Wait," do you think she would have the "Ghost Whisperer" right now? Of course not. Let's move on.

Bill Simmons is a columnist for Page 2 and ESPN The Magazine and his Sports Guy's World site is updated every day Monday through Friday. His new book "Now I Can Die In Peace" is available on Amazon.com and in bookstores everywhere.

From The Utah Statesman - January 11, 2006

NOT QUITE NIETZSCHE

A new and improved you

by Zach Pendleton

Not Quite Nietzsche" is one semester old this week and I'm proud to announce that its readership has more than doubled.

When I started, my mother was a fan, but now my dad is reading it too, via the Internet. And, believe it or not, my grandparents in St. George are asking for some papers. Yes, readers, we've grown.

It's also a new year, and I'd like to abuse some of the clout I've built with "Not Quite Nietzsche" and make a few New Year's resolutions for other people. So, if it sounds like I'm talking about you this time around, I am. And you'd better believe it's personal.

I'd like to start with all those involved in the registration process. I resolve that you make it more like a transaction between two human beings and less like a bad trip to the Twilight Zone.

On second thought, registration and fee payment isn't like the Twilight Zone at all: the Zone, for all of its weirdness, spoke English.

I don't know what I'm being charged for or what you're telling me to do, but you can be sure that Student Fee 74,832 means nothing to me.

I'm going to school to convince my peers of my intellectual superiority and can't afford to reveal my absolute ignorance towards registration and fees.

Throw me a break. I've spent the past two semesters looking at Jennifer Love Hewitt fan sites on the internet because I can't figure out Banner, and my roommates are starting to give me funny looks when I tell them it's Independent Study. You've got me between a rock and a hard place. This year it's time to let me go.

Next, the Bookstore. I resolve that you finally stop the charades and start issuing 9 mm handguns to your employees, giving them nametags that say things like "Busta Bookz" and "Text Thug" and greeting every customer with a gang sign that involves making an open book with your two hands.

We all know what you're really like and you can drop the friendly facade. Take pride in what you are.

Most people can't do what you do without going to jail. That's saying something. But, on a positive note, thank you for not jumping me in a dark alley and breaking my legs.

With all of the money I'm spending on books, I wouldn't be able to afford the medical bills.

Don't think that I'm only pointing fingers at respected campus institutions.

I realized something while watching Dick Clark's Rockin' New Year's.

First, I realized that Ryan Seacrest really is as dumb as everyone says he is.

But there was something else. I couldn't put my finger on it, but Mariah Carey didn't look right. I stared and I stared before finally realizing what the unsightly bulge on her elbow was.

I am no medical professional, but it looked to me like her two-sizes-too-tight dress had actually squeezed her appendix into her arm.

What's next? The kidneys? Give it up, girlfriend. You made a comeback this year, but you should have made a dress that fits.

I'm not one to end on a negative note, though. The new year did bring some good news.

For instance, I didn't hear anything about how President Bush spent his New Year's. I'm left to assume that he spent it not talking, and that is definitely a step in the right direction.

Happy 2006. I'll see you next week.

Zach Pendleton is a junior majoring in English. Send any questions or comments to zpendleton@cc.usu.edu